Day 8

Photo - Church




Growing up my family stopped going to church when I was about 4, I thought Sunday’s were just another day for me to stay at home and try to find cartoons on our 5 channel TV (3 being televised church services) while my friends had to wake up, dress all pretty and not get to play till noon. In the summer my mom would drop my bother and I off at as many bible school camps as possible so she could have “Mom time” and we could learn the stories of Jesus, only thing my mind was always about the arts and crafts as well as all the snacks that I rarely remembered the real reason I was going to camp... To learn about God.

As I’ve told you before growing up was somewhat of a torment and at the age of 15 I came to a crossroads where I wanted to end it all. I didn’t see the happiness nor the point of going on when all I ever did was study, feel over work, barely a friend in reaching distance and the ever so absurdity of get teased. Did the world really need me? I questioned a lot of things and didn’t know where to turn and when I didn’t finish my math homework one night, I thought I was going to fail, and in my family, failing wasn’t an option. I was so tired of trying so hard and being so different, I wanted to be “normal” I wanted to be vanilla, to be like all the other kids not even knowing what their life was really like behind their closed doors. That’s when I voiced, I was over, my Dad got so angry that I one, didn’t want to go to school but also that I was giving up, I was being so irrational and defiant he grabbed me by the throat lifting me off the ground, I told him to do me a favor and help me end it... he dropped me to the floor with the look of disgust and I ran out of the house. I ended up in treatment for the first time and when I got out my best friend and neighbor showed up at my house.

I never had a relationship with God but that day Steve Man told me “Look, I know you don’t like church but just come with me one time and see if you like it, if not sleep in for all the other Sundays.” And being that he was one of the only guys who was my true friend, I gave it a chance. As I sat in church that day the lesson spoke to me, it was as if all things were pointed at me and someone patted my shoulders taking a weight off... I soon was a Chistian-ese kid finishing out high school only thing... I didn’t believe everything that was written because I don’t believe I am a walking sin for being gay. I guess the day I changed the way I though was the day I was asked to write down all my sins in the sand and let the waves take them away just as God forgives us (awesome idea) but when it came down for me to write that I loved women... I couldn’t do it, why is it wrong to love? I’ve known since I was 4 and nothing was going to change that. Didn’t/doesn’t God want me to be happy?! So as I moved on, I told myself yes, I believe there is a higher power but what I’m not sure.

In going to a Quaker school we took a different approach to learning, everything was open and equal, we learned all religions, I started to think maybe I could have my own set of rules that I would go by and as long as I didn’t break them, I was living the “good life” set by my own standards and morels. I don’t believe you have to sit in a church to be thankful for life or tell people your beliefs, force feeding is irritating to me, sharing when asked though is nice. I do sometimes miss the communion and the feeling of family from complete strangers so who know’s maybe I will be open to church every so often, for I know I'm blessed and that I do have people looking down on me.


Today:
Song: Dishwalla - Counting Blue Cars
Quote of the day: “A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its odd dimensions.”
Fav food consumed today: Noni’s Deli - Farfalle bolognese w/ meatballs & garlic toast
Craving: Banana Pudding
Drinking: Raspberry Lemonade
Random fact: Anytime I hear 90’s alternative music it brings me back to my dad on the weekends, we use to ride our bikes 3 miles to the Taco Bell or Wendy’s (I guess if we were gonna eat it we were gonna work for it) they always had some awesome song playing in the background as we would sit there eating and catching up on what we had done during the week.