Today’s entry will be an open letter, you know who you are, for everyone else, this is how I view things and feel about a certain situation.
Let me start out by saying, you are truly a beautiful soul, who cares so much for the world around you and I loved the time that we shared together. Maybe if things were different, things could have been different but between us there was a bump. I know today was your birthday... I honestly was at work but I also honestly feel for me to come celebrate with you is disrespectful on so many levels. Of course, I want you to have the perfect day, for you to be happy and enjoy the people and moments around you but I don’t think your day was suppose to include me, which is why I did not come. For us to hangout is hard for I never liked you as a friend and for me to be around you is not only hard but the way I feel it should be.
I met you at a time when I needed you... I need distraction, I needed inspiration, I needed to feel, but in getting you I also gained a roller coaster of feelings. You had a boyfriend yet you led me on, you made me believe I could have a chance... You liked me, I know you did... but you also twist things, you hurt me... for I am not an object, I am not here for you to figure yourself out with. Being me has it’s ups and downs and I honestly think you couldn’t see past my orientation, that yes, underneath it all I am a girl because otherwise I feel like things would be different and maybe not so vanilla.
I think you hurt me the most though, when your boyfriend left you and you came to me, I was the one you cried to, the one who tried to keep you together and within a week’s time you found some everyday Joe on okc and started dating him... to me you were dating both of us... In a harsh way, I felt like I was your emotional part of a relationship while he was there for the physical and being what I have been through and my own personal set of moral code, I didn’t mind at first but a game of three never lasts and things must change because it is not fare to have your cake and eat it to.
Your relationship with him became to hard for me to handle, I hated watching the both of you, yet I was continually being invited to all the things you guys did, dinners, outings with your kids, weekly drag shows and the constant spending of money that I was magically growing on trees. I hated that you would call me because you wanted to see me, then have him there cuddling together where I could hear him say “I love you” after two weeks time... It threw me off and I was getting over it because yes, every time I looked at you, I liked you and you showed me interest back and because you could have us both I started to talk to other people as well, but I never brought them around you or flaunted the fact that I also was someone that was desired and that others wanted and not just the emotional but the whole package. I could see the wear and tear on the XY chromosome and started feeling sad for him, the way you thread us together was not fare but it’s the way you chose to handle things, that having someone was your way of being safe and happy, but it had to be either him or me and the fact is, he is good, he is safe, he is stable, as much as vanilla as he is to me he is perfect for what you are looking for. If you are not willing to go out on a limb and taste the fruit that has never been tasted, then there shouldn’t be any desire for what you never had. As much as I don’t like him, I do honor the fact that he loves you and that you have chosen to be with him, and he does deserve respect.
Once I took steps back and started liking other people, distancing myself from your relationship with him and having him blow up in my face (as an animal instinct will kick in) I watch everything I predicted to happen but at light speed. I told you he would probably ask you to move in with him and marry him within a year and within four months “BING” I didn’t think you would get pregnant either but in being straight it is a lot easier to conceive children and in 9 short months just about a year of being together you both will be parents. I not once have acknowledged the fact of this matter till now and I will not share my thoughts past this. I do however hope that you are happy and wish you everything and more. Unfortunately for you, I cannot be apart of what we use to have and as said before being a friend to someone who I never looked at as a friend is asking me to do something that I honestly can’t. So truthfully, I am sorry but I also have taken by backbone back and will be able to eventually give all of me to someone else who not only wants it but deserves it.
To all the adventures that lay at your feet, best wishes.
Today:
Song: Mumford and Sons - The Cave
Quote of the day: “I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles.” -A.H.
Fav food consumed today: Bean and Cheese Burrito w/ Sour Cream and Jalapenos
Craving: Pancakes
Drinking: Water
Random fact: As a kid and even now, when I find someone that I connect with I love them with all I have, this is both a beautiful and scary thing...
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